


crying season

by yeolilies



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ?? i guess im not exactly sure, Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, Implied Sexual Content, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun-centric, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung-centric, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Occasional swearing, Post-Break Up, Realizations, jaehyun's an asshole at first lmao, just angst ahehe, just to be safe ehe, mentions of drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 13:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19791739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeolilies/pseuds/yeolilies
Summary: Some say that love only lasts for four years. Jaehyun would say no.He'd say that love only lasts for two years.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is supposed to be a gift since yesterday was my 2 years with doie hehe but ig it became too angsty?? maybe??? i've always been a hopeless romantic and believed that love doesn't have a time limit sooo this is kind of an experimental piece? yet i hope u guys enjoy this huhu hmu on twitter @HYUNATlON !

Some say that love only lasts for four years. Four years ago, Jaehyun would argue against that. He believed that when you truly love someone, and they love you back, it would last forever. He could never comprehend the idea that love would ever fade one day, as it was such a strong feeling that he thought could never even get out of one’s system. That’s what he believed in ever since he was a young child (ever since his mom forced him to watch her favourite rom-coms with him), and even when he first asked Doyoung out in the spring of 2015.

Four years later, and he still would argue against the statement. He’d say that love only lasts for two years, and God, did he have a solid argument to back that.

He’s been with Doyoung for four years, and he remembered fearing for this year because he was scared that the saying would be true. He remembered not even daring to imagine what would happen four years then, instead just holding onto Doyoung as tight as he possibly could, as if he could keep him beside him for as long as he could live. Doyoung did stay, and then-Jaehyun would’ve been overjoyed, but now?

“Jaehyun!” Doyoung called out, while taking his shoes and coat off. “I’m home.”

Jaehyun grunted, and continued typing a report away on his laptop. His hair was tousled, caused by him running his fingers through it in frustration numerous times. He sometimes wondered why did he even pursue marketing, and be stuck in this stressful job to rot. His head was pounding due to the amount of stress that his co-workers gave him for the whole of the day, and fuck, did he need a break. (He couldn’t have a break; the joys of being a department head.)

“What the fuck, Jaehyun?” Doyoung shouted from their shared room. “Weren’t you supposed to fix our clothes this week? Why is the pile I placed on our bed still on the bed?”

Jaehyun closed his eyes in frustration, and continued typing his report.

Doyoung stomped out of the room to see Jaehyun still hunched over his laptop, not even moving a single inch. Huffing in annoyance, he made his way to his boyfriend, “Jaehyun!”

Jaehyun didn’t reply once more.

“Jaehyun, can you please cooperate?”

The huge drums that’s been beating away inside Jaehyun’s head decided to kick it up a notch, and Jaehyun was so sick of it. “How about you cooperate, Doyoung?” He snapped back. “Can’t you see I’m losing my fucking head for this stupid report, and you think that it’s the right time to nag about me about laundry?”

Doyoung spluttered, clearly taken aback by Jaehyun’s outburst. “We had a schedule, Jaehyun,” he calmly replied. “We agreed to that schedule. You were supposed to fix our laundry this week. Actually, you were supposed to wash it this week, but I saw you were busy with work—yes, I could see that you’re busy, Jaehyun—that I decided to do it instead. I just hoped that you’d do the rest!”

Jaehyun just stared at him blankly, and mockingly scoffed, “So that means I should thank you, huh?” Jaehyun smiled at him, yet the mockery and hatred was present in his eyes, “Thank you, Doyoung. I wholly appreciate the work you do in this household.”

Doyoung gritted his teeth, “That’s not what I meant, Jaehyun.”

“Well, good thing! I didn’t mean it either!” Jaehyun shouted. Jaehyun really didn’t have time to argue with Doyoung right now, but his body was burning with anger and spite, that he couldn’t stop himself.

On the other hand, Doyoung already felt his throat closing up and tears pooling around his eyes. However, he still stood his ground, and looked straight at Jaehyun’s eyes, “I hope you know that you’re not the only one busy. I have work to do too, Jaehyun. I may not be working in such a company as yours, but I’m a teacher and my work does not exactly stop as I step out of the school campus.” He looked at the unfinished Word document opened in Jaehyun’s laptop, “You think that’s hell? Try writing out testimonials for 40 students.”

Doyoung walked out of Jaehyun’s vision, and the latter couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Congrats for being so hardworking, Doyoung,” he hollered out. He didn’t get a reply.

Four years ago, he would’ve never said any of the words he just spat to Doyoung’s face. To him, Doyoung was perfect, and whatever flaws that Doyoung may think he had only made him more special. He would’ve apologized the moment he was called out for it, and wouldn’t have made fun of Doyoung’s efforts. He would’ve did his very best to not let Doyoung sleep without reconciling, but again, that was four years ago.

Jaehyun entered their bedroom, and saw Doyoung curled up on their bed, with his back facing him. He sighed and laid down, making sure to put as much distance between them as possible.

(He wakes up the next day without Doyoung beside him. However, there was a lunch box on their dining table with a post-it saying ‘Good Morning’. Jaehyun placed it inside the fridge and left.)

Jaehyun doesn’t know when the feeling started. He just realized that sometime, after two years of dating, that he started getting fed up by Doyoung’s voice. The nagging that he once thought was cute (because it only showed that Doyoung cared about him) became this irritating noise that he wanted to block out from his ears. It annoyed him whenever Doyoung would steal the blankets in the middle of the night, and whenever he’d get hit by Doyoung’s limbs. He hated how Doyoung would complain if the room wasn’t cold enough, and how he would also complain if his coffee wasn’t hot enough. Jaehyun hated how Doyoung complained about a lot of things, and he was fed up.

Why did he still stay? Maybe because of the inconvenience of living alone? Maybe because of his laziness to get back into the dating scene once he got out of their relationship. Maybe because he didn’t want to hear more of Doyoung’s whines.

Does he want to get out of it? Of course.

It all ends two months before their fifth year. The idea of five years used to excite Jaehyun to no end (they lasted for half a decade, what’s not there to celebrate?). It was ironic how the situation just flipped a 180. He couldn’t wait for two more months to get out of this hellish relationship, and when he did it, he felt like a free man.

Here was how it went down:

Jaehyun was out for the night, going with his co-workers for a drink. He kept his phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’, drank a couple of beers, and flirted with women and men alike. He always loved the thrill of flirting with complete strangers, watching them get riled up and turned on until they’re forcing themselves up your lap. He never went home with any of them, though. He still had a little bit of conscience left, making him remember Doyoung whenever he had the urge to take someone else out to fuck them wherever possible. (He sometimes hears Doyoung nagging at the back of his mind, and he wanted, with his whole heart, to shut it out.)

It was three in the morning when he got back home. He only checked his notifications on the way back, and saw 70 messages and 10 missed calls from Doyoung. (He chuckled, ‘Maybe Doyoung finally got tired. He used to call for 50, and message nearing two hundred.’)

He entered to see Doyoung sitting by their dining area, his wet and wide eyes staring at his phone, before snapping back up to the sound of the door opening. He looks at Jaehyun gazing at him with bored and fuzzy eyes (a look he has found to get used to), and looks down to his neck, where a faint bruise laid. He had to bite his lip to keep himself from crying uncontrollably, and just shut his eyes as tight as he possibly could.

“I told you to message me whenever you go out, Jae,” he managed to croak out. “I wouldn’t keep you from doing whatever you’d want to do. Just tell me,” he pleaded. “I was worried sick! I didn’t know where you were and how you were, maybe you got hit by a car, maybe you got shot—I don’t know!” He rambled frantically. His eyes were tearing up again, and he could feel hot tears flowing down like a waterfall.

Jaehyun didn’t care (‘He used to care,’ Doyoung thought), and just stumbled onto the couch, sprawled down with his arm covering his eyes. Doyoung stood up and sat beside his boyfriend, and held his hand. Jaehyun jerked it away.

Doyoung felt his breath quicken, and resigned himself to picking at his callouses; a nervous habit he never grew out of. “What’s wrong, Jaehyun? Can you tell me?” He whispered, trying to reach out to Jaehyun as much as he could. (But he couldn’t—Jaehyun was already too far from his grasp, even if he was just right beside him.)

“I’m tired, Doyoung,” Jaehyun drawled out.

“You’re tired? I’d help you wash up if you want, then we could sleep. It’s Saturday tomorrow—or today—anyway, so we could sleep in like we used to—”

“No, Doyoung,” Jaehyun grunted. “I’m tired of you. I’m tired of this.”

Doyoung’s hands were already marked with scratches made by his own fingers, and with Jaehyun’s words, it would, no doubt, bleed soon. “What?” He asked, not believing his own two ears.

“It means I’m breaking up with you, Doyoung.”

That’s all it took for Jaehyun to end his two years of joy, and nearing three years of suffering.

Doyoung took Jaehyun’s hand to grip it tightly (similar to how Jaehyun held him four to five years ago. Oh, how the tables turned), “You don’t mean it, right? Maybe we could still work it out?” Jaehyun remained silent, not even fazed by Doyoung’s words. Doyoung hugged him, burying his face into Jaehyun’s neck, “No, please, Jaehyun. Don’t just let us go like this.”

Doyoung continued to sob, but Jaehyun didn’t care. He looked at Jaehyun, his eyes red and puffy due to his tears, and held Jaehyun’s face with his hands, “I love you. Please don’t let us go like this. Didn’t you tell me we’d last forever?”

Jaehyun just looked at him blankly, and stood up, letting Doyoung fall out of his lap. The cries that Doyoung was letting out was noise to his ears. “Didn’t you hear me? I’m tired of you. I’m tired of your endless nagging. I’m tired of how you always seemed to have an answer for everything. I’m tired of your stupid schedule. I’m just so fucking tired of you, Doyoung!”

Doyoung only looked at him from the floor, his eyes filled with despair and hurt. “Do you mean it?”

“I mean it.”  
Doyoung never talked to him since then. Even the next morning, when he packed his suitcases to finally leave their apartment. Even when he took everything apart, taking all traces of him from the place they once called home. Even when he went out of the door, leaving the place for good.

Doyoung just sat on their bed, staring blankly at the wall opposite him, picking at his callouses that were already bleeding.

The first thing that Jaehyun did was to crash at Johnny’s place. The taller was surprised by Jaehyun’s visit, and proceeded to ask “Where’s Doyoung?”. Jaehyun only rolled his eyes, “We broke up. Now, can I crash at your place for awhile? I promise to leave once I find a place of my own.” Johnny could just nod dumbly, still couldn’t process the words he just heard.

The talk happened two hours later, with Johnny bursting into his guest room to confront Jaehyun. “What do you mean by you broke up?”

“We broke up, Johnny. I think you know what that means,” Jaehyun replied nonchalantly.

“No, no—you and Doyoung?” He exclaimed, disbelief greatly lacing his words.

“Who else?”

“But this is you and Doyoung!” Jaehyun only sighed, and looked at Johnny with the same bored eyes.

Johnny spluttered, “Jae, this is the guy you courted for a year! Doyoung! I just can’t believe that you broke up with the guy you swore would marry! I thought you guys were talking about it?”

“Yeah, like around three years ago?”

“So? Doesn’t that mean a lot since you guys were only a year into your relationship?”

“Nope,” Jaehyun replied. “It was only wistful thinking. You yourself said that we were heavily into our honeymoon phase.”

“But—”

“We broke up, that’s it. Can you just respect my decision, Johnny? I thought you were my best friend?”

Johnny left the room without a word, and Jaehyun groaned in frustration. He just needed a break.

He was a free man. He went clubbing, and brought different people home every night. He indulged himself into the feeling of freedom and youth that he missed for the past five years. He lost himself into the thrill, and he enjoyed it. This was what he was missing. This was what he needed.

Doyoung kept on calling his phone until six months after. Jaehyun chuckled when he noticed. Doyoung got tired.

Here was how karma decided to fuck him up:

A year later, Jaehyun finally got a new place. A place that he could call his, and his alone. It was monochromatic, just filled with the usual black and white, and some splashes of brown. The place was empty, but Jaehyun lived with it. He was fine with it.

An invitation found itself into his mailbox, a splash of colour among the white envelopes. It was cousin’s wedding, a cousin from his mother’s side, Wendy. Wendy and him were the same-age relatives at his mother’s side, so they spent a lot of time together. He used to tell her about everything, yet after her migration to Canada, they never really talked as often as they used to (which explained the name ‘Kim Doyoung’ beside his name on the invitation).

It’s been six months since he last heard about Doyoung, and his friends learned to not mention Doyoung’s name ever again to avoid aggravating Jaehyun. Seeing Doyoung’s name beside his, with a thin, fancy, curly font, made Jaehyun feel a twinge of pain.

_(Doyoung and him loved talking about how their wedding would look like. Their motif would be peach because it was Doyoung’s favourite colour and, coincidentally, Jaehyun’s nickname. They even went as far as finding possible fonts for their wedding invitations, and Jaehyun could listen to Doyoung ramble about his ideas and wishes because he loved whenever Doyoung would just let himself talk about whatever he loved because God, did he love him—)_

Jaehyun chucked the invitation into his bedside drawer, and opened a bottle of beer.

He attended the wedding months after, visiting his (and Doyoung’s) hometown after so long. His mom welcomed him with open arms, with the usual question of Doyoung’s whereabouts. Jaehyun replied as he always did, but for some reason, it became harder for him to say it. It looked like his parents wanted to ask further, but decided not to. He appreciated the gesture.

The wedding was as beautiful as he imagined. He knew what Wendy’s tastes were, and it was filled with flowers of differing colours. Wendy was gorgeous, as a bride should be. She was radiant, and her groom was so in love with his cousin, that he couldn’t help but tear up.

_(Jaehyun always imagined how it would be when the day would come that it was him and Doyoung being wed. How Doyoung would look so beautiful walking towards him, as if Aphrodite herself took upon the mantle to groom the love of his life on the day of their union. He would be there waiting for Doyoung to come up to him, and he would be crying so much because he has always been weak for Doyoung. He would be thanking the heavens for letting him be with Doyoung, and he would be thanking Doyoung for loving him. He loved him. He loved him so much—)_

Jaehyun cleared his throat, and opened his lock screen to see his regular lock screen. (For the past five years, it has always been a picture of Doyoung. Doyoung sleeping, Doyoung smiling, Doyoung laughing, Doyoung.) He shook the thoughts away, and smiled when his mom asked him if everything was okay.

Everything’s okay. This was what he wanted, didn’t he?

His mom sat him down the night after, and asked about what happened.

“I remember sitting with you on this same bed around six years ago,” she started, holding Jaehyun’s hands into hers. “You were talking to me about this guy you met who was quite difficult when you met him. You told me that he was always frowning, and that he didn’t really seem to like you. I expected you to be fussy like you always did, but you told me all that with these stars in your eyes. You looked so in love,” she mused.

“What happened now?”

Jaehyun heard that question too many times, and he has always replied with his usual brash remarks. But now—

_(“Mom, I think I already love him,” Jaehyun smiled widely. Mrs. Jung was taken aback, “Are you sure? But it hasn’t even been a month!” Jaehyun laughed, and it was like music to her ears. She watched as Jaehyun’s dimples dug deep into his cheeks, and his smile breaking his face into two. “I think he’s it, mom. Love at first sight. Remember Troy and Gabriella?” She laughed at Jaehyun’s comment, and hugged her son. One of her greatest dreams finally came true; her son finally found the one meant for him.)_

—he didn’t know.

His mini vacation home acted as an eye-opener. A catalyst used by the universe to start its own cruel plan against Jaehyun, to hurt him just as he hurt Doyoung.

Life started to shift, in little ways that Jaehyun initially didn’t even notice.

He once entered his apartment, disoriented due to the monochromatic scheme. He swore that the dining table was supposed to be brown, and that the couch was smaller and had blue cushions. There was supposed to be a yellow coat rack beside the door, and a red shoe rack on the other side, and— he stops. Sense comes back, and the realization hit him harder than it should’ve.

This was his new apartment, not Doyoung and his.

_(“Aren’t the colors too mismatched?” “You just don’t get it, Jaehyun!”)_

He went for his fourth bottle for the week. It’s only Monday.

His ex-secretary decided to come and visit the old marketing department just to pick on Jaehyun. She sauntered into Jaehyun’s office without warning, and got shocked by its unruly manner.

“What the fuck happened here?” Yerim asked.

“Work?”

“No,” Yerim tsked. “Why the hell is it so messy here? Doyoung would give your secretary a piece of his mind once he sees the state of your office.”

Jaehyun gulped at the mention of his past, “Why would he?”

“Don’t you know?” Yerim asked. “He always asked me to make sure your office was clean and orderly. He mentioned that you always grumbled about mess, but was always too lazy to clean. He buys me sushi to pay me back.”

Jaehyun just stared at his hands, tightly clenched. “He did that?”

“Yeah. You really got lucky with him, Jae. He always checked with me about you, especially during hell weeks,” Yerim reminisced. “I hope I find someone like that too.”

(He remembers the lunch box Doyoung prepared with the ‘Good Morning’ post-it note. They had a fight the night before, yet he still made him lunch.)

“Yeah, I hope you do.”

(Jaehyun was staring at the bundle of clothes on his bed blankly. It was the second week of the month, and a Tuesday. According to the schedule, it was Doyoung’s time to handle the laundry.

Funny how he remembers the schedule when he doesn’t even need it anymore.)

Thoughts bombard him from different directions, and in unexpected times as well. Alone time was too dangerous for him now, because it only led him to reminisce his times with Doyoung. Alcohol filled his stomach, and he drank and drank until he passed out. He brought people home every night, just to fill the empty void that seemed to eat Jaehyun up from the inside. He ran as fast as he could from his guilt and conscience. He drank, he fucked (and got fucked), he partied, he ran from the despair and gloom that he just let the person he loved (more than his life, more than himself, more than the universe, more than the stars) go. ‘Fuck you, Jaehyun,’ he cursed himself. He cursed himself for ever thinking that love only lasted for two years, when he has always loved Doyoung. Even when things got dull and stressful. Fuck him for being so selfish. Fuck him for letting Doyoung go.

He sometimes laid awake at night, with strangers sleeping beside him. The heat was different. The room wasn’t cold enough. Their legs weren’t kicking him away. They weren’t stealing the blankets away. Their moans weren’t high enough, and their lips weren’t soft enough. The coffee was too cold the next day, and he then realizes that he couldn’t run fast enough.

_(It was the morning after their first night in their new apartment, and Jaehyun woke up to the sight of the sun illuminating Doyoung’s face. ‘What a sight to see every morning,’ Jaehyun wondered. He couldn’t wait to live the rest of his days like this. He couldn’t wait to grow old with this beautiful man beside him. Their life starts now. He watched as Doyoung’s eyes fluttered open, and how his gorgeous smile just bloomed onto his face, “Good morning, love,” Doyoung whispered. Jaehyun just kissed him senseless.)_

_(“Jaehyun, it’s our third time watching High School Musical this week! Can we watch something else instead?” “This is what you signed up for, babe.” “I hate you.”)_

_(It was Jaehyun’s day off, and he couldn’t wait to drive Doyoung to school like he always wanted to. As they reached SMHS, Doyoung bid goodbye, and proceeded to open the car door open. “No!” Jaehyun suddenly stopped him. Doyoung only looked at him confusedly, which turned into amusement as he watched Jaehyun scramble out of his seat to go out and open Doyoung’s door himself. “Here’s your destination, sir,” Jaehyun acted. Doyoung only laughed at his boyfriend’s antics, kissed his cheek, and patted his chest. “Thank you. I’d give your tip later, is it fine?” Doyoung murmured. “More than fine,” Jaehyun smiled coyly.)_

He heard his cup shatter as it fell to the floor, but he didn’t seem to care. Tears fell down his cheeks as well, but he didn’t seem to care as well.

You never really know how much you actually had until you lost them.

_(“I love you,” Doyoung whispered into his ear, as they cuddled. “Thank you for not giving up on me. I know how difficult I could be, and it must tire you out. Thank you for loving me at my best and at my worst. Thank you for staying, Jaehyun.”_

_Jaehyun kissed Doyoung’s forehead, and brought him closer. “I’d always love you. There wouldn’t be a time that I would not love you, Kim Doyoung. Life wouldn’t be complete without you.”_

_Doyoung kissed him, with lips soft as ever. He peppered Jaehyun’s face with little kisses: on the tip of his nose, the apples of his cheeks, his jaw, the corners of his mouth, everywhere. They just giggled, and basked in the overwhelming love they held for each other.)_

It was four months later when he heard a knock on his door. His hair was unruly, his eyebags were prominent, and he was only wearing a hoodie that he hasn’t washed for days and pyjama bottoms. He grumbled as he approached the door, slightly annoyed that someone came to disturb his quiet Saturday.

He opened his door to see Doyoung, looking better than he was. He was holding something, but Jaehyun couldn’t possibly care. The man that plagued his dreams was standing in front of him, looking as beautiful as he did when he first saw him. He couldn’t let go of his door knob, and just stood frozen.

Doyoung cleared his throat, “Hi, Jaehyun. These are your clothes that was left in the apartment, which was in the laundry when you,” he paused, “left. I’m sorry that I only took them to you now, because truthfully, I couldn’t manage to part with them because it was my only reminder of you. It was hard for me to accept that you were just gone, just like that, but it’s fine now so I’m here to return these back to you—”

Jaehyun didn’t let Doyoung finish his rambling sentences, and just hugged him tightly, letting the clothes fall to the floor. This was what he missed. Doyoung always smelled like baby powder, and Jaehyun now couldn’t comprehend why he was ever annoyed by the smell, when now it only reminded him of home. Finally, his arms were wrapped around the right waist, his head on the right shoulder, and Doyoung, he’s finally home.

“Jaehyun? What are you doing?”

He didn’t reply, just as he did back then. He couldn’t bother to, because he was too busy being overwhelmed by the emotions he tried to run from for the past year. His eyes welled up with tears, further burying his head into Doyoung’s neck.

“You can’t do this, Jaehyun,” Doyoung choked out. “Not when I’m finally making progress…”

“I love you, Doyoung,” he couldn’t help but say.

“You can’t do this…”

“I love you.”

Doyoung broke down into his arms, “This is unfair, Jaehyun!” He sobbed out.

“I love you,” he whispered once more. “I’m sorry for what I did, Doyoung. I’m so sorry for letting go. I’m sorry for letting my promises go.”

“Your apologies can’t magically make everything better!” Doyoung exclaimed. “Your apologies can’t erase the months of self-hate, Jaehyun! It was like a cycle I couldn’t get out of. I blamed myself for everything. It was my fault that you eventually got tired. It was my fault that I fucked up our relationship. I was caging you too much. I hated myself so much because you got tired of me when you promised me that you wouldn’t,” he sobbed out.

Jaehyun could only cry as he held Doyoung tightly in his arms, “I’d apologize every single day of my life if you let me, Doyoung.”

“How could I trust you again, Jae?” Doyoung chuckled, however there wasn’t a twinge of happiness or amusement. “I trusted you so much. I trusted all your words, trusted that you’d fulfil all your promises, trusted that we’d get the future that we planned. You broke it. How could I trust you again?”

“I don’t know, but I’d want to gain it again,” Jaehyun whispered. “Please.”

Doyoung hugged Jaehyun tighter, albeit reluctantly, “I’m not sure, Jae.” He sniffed, “The past year—no, the past years—were hell, and something that I couldn’t manage to relive. I don’t want to experience the same fear, anxiety, and hate again. I don’t want to go through everything again. I hated living so much, Jaehyun, because I didn’t know how to live without you anymore.”

“Please give me a chance,” Jaehyun pleaded.

Doyoung continued, “It was so hard to continue, Jaehyun. I never got through a day without crying, until I learned to hate you. I was so fucking angry, and I don’t know how much curses I’ve said about you. It was the easiest way to cope with your departure, but a day just came that I suddenly couldn’t. Our fifth anniversary came, and I forgot to take the reminder off. I remember just staring at my phone that morning, and next thing I knew, I was already crying. I was back at square one, and I hated it.”

“Then one day I learned how to accept everything, but at what cost? I accepted that you were gone, and that you left because of me. I learned how to blame it all on me, and not on you. I noticed every single mistake I made that led you to break up with me, and the self-loath just won’t leave, Jaehyun,” Doyoung trembled in Jaehyun’s arms, and his words broke Jaehyun’s heart into a million pieces. He thought that he himself was in hell, but he couldn’t even imagine how it was for Doyoung.

Doyoung. The same, warm-hearted, soft, and caring Doyoung. The one who he swore would protect and love. The same one he broke, and is now breaking himself with his own hands.

He’d understand if Doyoung wouldn’t forgive him, because he couldn’t even forgive himself for hurting Doyoung like this. He couldn’t help but try, however.

Jaehyun knelt down in front of Doyoung, with the latter’s hands clasped inside his. “Please give me a chance, Doyoung.” He begged, “Please give me one last chance. I would do everything to regain your trust. I would apologize every single day, and court you just as I did when we first dated. Please give me one last chance, love. Please.”

Doyoung stared at Jaehyun’s desperate eyes, “I don’t know…” He trailed off.

“Please,” he pleaded once more.

Doyoung took a deep breath, “Do you know what I hated the most? I still loved you despite everything, and the possibility of me still loving you when you already loved another haunted me every single day. But I couldn’t stop it, Jaehyun, ‘cause you’ve always been the only one. Always, and would ever be.”

Jaehyun stood up, and hesitantly held Doyoung’s face, “Is that a yes?”

“I really don’t know, Jaehyun,” Doyoung shakily replied. “Something inside me’s screaming that I should give you a chance, but I’m so, so terrified.”

“Please,” he whispered, wiping a stray tear with his thumb.

“You…” Doyoung replied, “You could try. But I can’t promise you a definite yes. I’ve been so traumatized by what happened that I don’t know if I could ever trust anybody else just as how I did with you. I don’t know if I could get myself into that same cycle of anxiety and hate again, Jaehyun.”

“I’d do everything to prove to you that you made the right choice,” Jaehyun promised. “It doesn’t matter if it would take you years before you learn to trust me again. I’d wait for you, Doyoung.”

“I’ve always believed in second chances,” Doyoung murmured. “But I also believe that giving a third and fourth is already too much to give. So…”

“I’d do this right, Doyoung,” Jaehyun said, holding Doyoung’s chin to make Doyoung look at him. “You wouldn’t need to think of a third and fourth. This is the last, Doyoung.”

“It’s really hard for me to trust your words,” Doyoung whimpered. “But, please prove me wrong.”

Jaehyun only hugged Doyoung tight, and kissed the top of his head. They stood like that in silence, and Jaehyun’s head was pounding due to the tears, but strangely, he felt a sense of calmness.

This was what he wanted. This was what he needed. He’d be damned if he’d fuck this up again.

_(“Yes,” Doyoung told him at the day of their graduation._

_“Yes?” Jaehyun asked. He only stared at Doyoung as the other giggled and approached him._

_Jaehyun felt the other’s arms circle his waist, and whispered into his ear, “I said, yes, Jaehyun. I love you.”_

_It was as if the world became silent, and Jaehyun could only hear static noise. It took him a few minutes to process what he just heard, before picking the smaller up and spinning him around._

_Doyoung laughed, “Why do you seem happier than when you got your degree?!”_

_“Right now?” Jaehyun laughed ecstatically, “Right now, your answer was the most important thing I ever got today. Or maybe, ever!”_

_Jaehyun wrapped Doyoung’s arms around him again, “Could you repeat what you just said earlier?”_

_“Yes?” Doyoung teased._

_“No, the other one!”_

_“I can’t remember saying anything else,” Doyoung acted._

_Jaehyun pouted, which only made Doyoung giggle. He pecked him on his lips, “I love you, Jung Jaehyun.”_

_“And I love you, Kim Doyoung. Always.”)_


	2. unspoken definites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> doyoung's side of the story, and what happens after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> due to popular demand i am back KJSDFL ok sO okay i think i have to clarify that chap 1 was purely jaehyun's thoughts (so the happiness, contentment, etc was all him) and in turn this chap would purely be doyoung's thoughts. thank you for all the insights and comments!!!!! i hope this chapter would be ok?? idk if it's good or anything so please comment on what u think or hmu at twitter! @HYUNATlON

Doyoung could hear the door faintly closing, and that’s when he stopped picking at his callouses further. His nails were stained with red, however he couldn’t even feel the pain. He could only stare at the wounds he inflicted on himself with the same blank look he’s been sporting ever since Jaehyun— ever since last night.

He walks up to their medicine cabinet to treat his wounds, and saw the state of his face on the mirror. He looked disgusting. His face was puffy everywhere, his eyes were red, cheeks stained with tear tracks, and he couldn’t help but think that (maybe this was why Jaehyun left.)

He closed his eyes, sighed, and went back to bed.

The fall comes a few hours after he wakes up from his nap.

He was disoriented for a few minutes, waking up on a Saturday without Jaehyun beside him. “Jaehyun?” he called out, yet didn’t get any response.

“Jaehyun? Love, where are you?”

“Love?”

“Love…”

He tried to check the apartment for Jaehyun’s whereabouts to see nothing.

Absolutely nothing, because Jaehyun took everything with him. The apartment looked so uncharacteristically empty, and the splashes of colour doesn’t do anything to make it as lively as it was before. Jaehyun wasn’t home anymore, and would never be. His shoes were gone, sweaters, cups, photos, slippers— everything, and how could he get over the fact that his life and love is gone just in a matter of hours and eight words?

It was like an avalanche of tears and emotions that Doyoung couldn’t avoid. The numbness from earlier was gone, and pain was everywhere. His throat was choked up, his head was hurting, his wounds were throbbing, and fuck, his heart was hurting so painfully that he just had to curl up to a ball in the middle of their empty apartment.

The apartment was too empty. It was too silent, and Doyoung’s sobs filled every single corner of it.

“Maybe he’d come back,” Doyoung mused, while laying on Jaehyun’s side of the bed. “Maybe he’d come back to his senses and come back.”

He looked at Jaehyun’s photo on his lock screen, and the avalanche comes back.

‘He won’t.’

How does one get over someone who once promised you forever? How does one get over someone who made you believe that you were worth waiting for? How does one get over someone who made you feel that loving you was the greatest gift someone could ever give them? How could Kim Doyoung just get over Jung Jaehyun? Was that even possible?

Five years ago, he was scared of committing. He was scared of putting yourself in a prime position to get hurt by someone who has a massive hold on you and your heart. When Jaehyun started courting him, he expected him to give up on a matter of months. He didn’t hesitate to reject him whenever possible, but he also couldn’t deny that he loved the feeling of being courted. Next thing he knew; he fell for the guy. Next thing he knew, Jaehyun was spinning him around outside of their school auditorium. Next thing he knew, his future was already laid out for him, and Jaehyun was there for every single moment.

He was contented and confident that this guy right here is the one for him. But alas, the saying was true; sometimes things are too good to be true.

Life continued whether he liked it or not, however staying in the apartment felt like he was trapped in time. Life does not continue inside their apartment, it just stays stagnant and painful. Every day, Doyoung relived the pain of being left by the one he only truly loved, and he had no escape.

Monday came, and he knew he had to get his act together if he still wanted to earn a living. Doyoung had to dig up to the depths of his closet just to find a tube of concealer for his vain attempt to hide any traces of what happened during the past weekend. He went to school donning the smile he had practiced the night before, but it would only take an idiot to believe that Doyoung was okay.

Johnny approached him in the faculty room that day, looking as if he was trying to tread on a fine line.

“Yes?” Doyoung asked, putting on his practiced smile once more.

Johnny leaned on his desk and whispered, “Jaehyun’s staying at my place right now.”

He could feel the corners of his mouth fall, and the familiar burn at the back of his eyes were back, “Is he okay?” He softly whispered.

“He’s too okay,” Johnny grumbled. “Are you okay? Even though I’m Jaehyun’s best friend doesn’t mean that I’m not your friend too, Doyoung.”

Doyoung took a deep breath, and pressed the heals of his hands to his eyes. ‘This isn’t the right time to breakdown, Doyoung. You still have a class to teach later,’ he tried to convince himself. He could feel Johnny’s hesitant hand trying to comfort him, and he could only gasp from the pain that was brewing from the inside.

“Please, just make sure that he’s okay,” Doyoung choked out. “Don’t let him skip his meals and drink too much. Make sure that he takes care of himself, okay Johnny?”

Johnny was taken aback by Doyoung’s words, but what did he even expect? This was Doyoung he was talking about.

(He could still remember a time when there was life inside Doyoung’s eyes, and how his gaze would turn soft whenever he laid his eyes on Jaehyun. How his smile automatically becomes bigger, and his cheeks bunched up like a rabbit in love. Jaehyun would look at him the same way, and that’s what Johnny couldn’t comprehend; how did Jaehyun come from being a lovesick puppy to this?)

Johnny, speechless, just nodded. He felt his heart clench at the re-appearance of Doyoung’s practiced smile. (Jaehyun used to talk his ear off about Doyoung’s smile, and how he would like to see that smile every day. Johnny’s pretty sure this wasn’t the smile Jaehyun was talking about, but well, today’s Jaehyun isn’t the same Jaehyun from five years ago anyway.)

(Doyoung ran out of clothes; he delayed the laundry too long. He had no choice but to undergo the grueling process of washing mountains of clothes that he left to stink.

Two baskets in, he found Jaehyun’s sweater. Then, Jaehyun’s office clothes. Two more sweaters. His underwear. His socks. Another pair of slacks.

Doyoung could only pathetically hold onto Jaehyun’s sweater to stop his fingers from picking at his callouses once more.

The tears came down like waterfalls.)

Doyoung doesn’t know when the anger started building up. He just knew that one day, as he laid lazily on their sofa while scrolling through his phone, the mere sight of Jaehyun brewed an ugly feeling inside of him. Curses just flew out, and sometimes it would reach the point that he couldn’t help but throw his phone away.

Doyoung was once described as a fiery spirit; he fights if he fights, and whenever he talks about something he loved, he’d do it very passionately. He was no stranger to ugly anger, but he was a stranger to being terribly angry at Jaehyun. He edited every single photo of Jaehyun in his phone to scribble on the latter’s face, just so that he couldn’t see it ever again. (Who was Doyoung joking? Why won’t he just delete his photos? Doyoung can’t do that yet. Despite all the anger, he still loved him, and fuck did he hate that.)

His best friend, Taeyong, video-called him from an ocean away and after probably a month of no contact.

“Where’s Jaehyun?” Taeyong asked.

Doyoung rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Fuck Jaehyun. Don’t you ever say that fucking name ever again, I _swear_.”

“What? What happened?” Taeyong asked, worry heavily laced in his words.

“That asshole broke up with me,” Doyoung felt the familiar burn by his eyes again, yet he only screamed in frustration. “As if I was the fucking problem? I swear, Taeyong, for the past few years he’s been fucking me up, and he should be thankful that I even stayed and endured his shitty ass! He’s a fucking asshole, that’s what he is.”

Taeyong knew Doyoung more than anyone, even Doyoung himself. He knew how Doyoung coped with hurt, and this was one of his methods. He could clearly see through the anger and curses, and could only stay silent as Doyoung screamed his frustrations away. Tears were furiously running down Doyoung’s cheeks, and he angrily wiped them away whenever he realizes. “No, I won’t cry for him ever again! Never!” Doyoung would say.

If you ask Taeyong, Doyoung was still hurting as ever. Doyoung started breaking down through the video call, and Taeyong could hear faint sobs of “I miss him so much, Taeyong” through the audio.

“I’m sure he misses you too, Doyoung,” he tried to console him.

“That’s the thing, Tae,” Doyoung sobbed. “He doesn’t. Johnny told me so.”

On the way to school, Doyoung heard his music get interrupted by a notification.

**_ Fifth year anniversary!!!! Don’t forget to buy Jaehyun his favourite cake :) _ **

He could only stare at the notification banner until it had disappeared. There were teardrops on his phone, and he didn’t have the heart to wipe them off. His fists were clenched so painfully tight, that he wouldn’t be surprised if he’d see nail dents later. He quickly texted their subject head about his absence, and went down the nearest stop.

He’s back to square one.

_Calling Jaehyun…_

_Calling Jaehyun…_

_Calling Jaehyun…_

_No answer._

_Jaehyun (49)_

_Mobile_

Doyoung just wanted to listen to Jaehyun’s voice once more.

Please.

Please.

He can’t live without Jaehyun.

_Calling Jaehyun…_

_Calling Jaehyun…_

_Calling Jaehyun…_

_No answer._

_Jaehyun (50)_

_Mobile_

Please.

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:22): Jaehyun?_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:24): I miss you._

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:25): Remember when you told me that I could always message you whenever I need someone to talk to? Whenever I’m sad?_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:26): Can I claim that now? hahahha_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:27): I miss you so much, Jae. I need you. I need your hugs again, I need your kisses, I need you beside me_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:28): Every day without you is a living hell, and fuck Jaehyun I’m so tired of living life alone_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:30): Please come back love, please I need you back home. You wouldn’t even need to do the laundry or any chores if you want. I’d change, I promise_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:31): I just need you back home please I’d change I promise I’d do anything to have you back_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:32): I love you so much please come back_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:36): I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re doing well._

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:38): Just please remember that I love you, and I’d always will._

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(23:40): I love you I love you I love you. Come home_

It was too tiring to hate Jaehyun. It was too tiring to cry for Jaehyun. It was too tiring. Everything was too tiring. The numbness of his hands were becoming too familiar due to his wounds. He couldn’t write properly anymore because it felt too painful that he could only do the bare minimum: check answers or mark them wrong.

Doyoung stared at his callouses; this has to stop. Everything has to stop.

Here was how he tried to make sense of everything:

He looked back to months before they broke up, then the years before. He thought about what had happened, and how Jaehyun reacted. He thought about how he reacted. He thought about their usual fights. He thought about how they hadn’t been having sex as often as they used to.

It was all his fault. Jaehyun was right. He was too naggy, and didn’t give Jaehyun the space he needed. He coddled Jaehyun, and whenever there was something wrong—even a miniscule problem—he focused on it too much. Doyoung’s sure that Jaehyun was probably feeling suffocated. Maybe he changed into someone so different from who Jaehyun fell in love with that he just had to get out of their relationship.

It was all his fault, and strangely, it made everything better. He didn’t hate Jaehyun as much anymore, and could actually talk about him to Taeyong and Johnny without crying. His head felt lighter, but at what cost?

He didn’t hate Jaehyun as much anymore, in fact, he had come into terms with the fact that he’d love Jaehyun whether he’d like it or not. It was an unrelenting fact that Doyoung couldn’t deny.

Instead, he hated himself more. Taeyong didn’t know what to feel about it.

(The self-loathe was too much sometimes, that Doyoung couldn’t even get out of their bed to go to work. How could he not get tired of himself when the person who promised that he wouldn’t, eventually did?

He should stop saying ‘their.’ Nothing was theirs anymore.)

The day came when he finally garnered enough courage to ask Johnny where Jaehyun lived. He took the piles of clothes that Jaehyun left (except for the baby blue hoodie; that was his favourite, and he’d be damned if he’d let that go), and went.

Nothing would have prepared him for the look that Jaehyun gave him—this look of disbelief and wonder (and love—no, he’d just kid himself if he ever thought that was love. Jaehyun already got tired of him, right?)—and the tight hug he received. (Doyoung missed the feeling of Jaehyun’s arms wrapped around him. Doyoung missed him. Doyoung missed his scent. Doyoung missed his warmth. Doyoung missed his everything.)

“You can’t do this, Jaehyun,” he managed to choke out. “Not when I’m finally making progress…” Not when he’s finally learned how to deal with everything. Not when he finally learned how to fight against the weight of life. Not when he finally could smile again.

This is all too unfair.

Jaehyun said ‘I love you’ but Doyoung couldn’t believe his ears. It was all too good to be true. Wasn’t this what he wanted? Weren’t these the words he longed to hear? But why couldn’t he just fall into Jaehyun’s arms like his heart wanted to.

Because his mind knew different. The past months were too traumatizing for him to fall into the same trap all over again. Not when he’s finally learned how to deal with everything. Not when he finally learned how to fight against the weight of life. Not when he finally could smile again.

All the repressed emotions came tumbling out. All the words, all the hurt, all the betrayal, and all the love he still had for Jaehyun. He wanted to console him so much, he wanted to make Jaehyun stop crying but there’s this sadistic part of him that wanted to see Jaehyun cry for him. It wanted to see Jaehyun suffer, just as how he suffered.

He told Jaehyun about everything, just like he used to, and didn’t try to hide or sugarcoat anything. ‘This is what you made me feel,’ he wanted to scream. ‘This is how you fucked me up, and how it fucking irritates me that I still love you despite everything.’

Then, Jaehyun knelt before him. Then was his only chance to actually see how Jaehyun was faring. The eyes that sparkled so much (yet looked at him with great spite) were suddenly so dull, and his usually plumpy cheeks (that always turned away from his gaze) were suddenly so thin that Doyoung wondered if he was even eating properly. He was holding onto Doyoung’s hands so tightly as if it was the only way to make Doyoung stay (he held him the same way back then, but look at where they were now).

That sadistic side of him was satisfied to see Jaehyun begging on his knees, but Doyoung would be lying if he said that his heart wasn’t hurting to see Jaehyun like that. Despite everything, he still loved him. (He didn’t know what to feel about it.)

Jaehyun asked for a second chance, and wasn’t this what he was yearning for so long? What he was asking for from the unknown? But why couldn’t he say yes with full confidence?

All the pain and self-hate came like waves, and it only made him crumble like the first day since Jaehyun had left his side.

Everything was too good to be true, and Doyoung was too scared. He was too scared to let Jaehyun back in his life again, but was also too scared to let him go.

‘You could try’ he replied back to Jaehyun’s question. ‘Try’ because Doyoung himself doesn’t even know how it all would turn out. He doesn’t know anything at this point.

He could feel Jaehyun kiss his head, and normally the gesture would’ve had calmed him down. He could only feel fear and uncertainty.

The following months were too surreal for Doyoung. It was too good to be true.

Jaehyun’s first order of business was to message him ‘good morning’ every day. He sometimes sent him bouquets of flowers to the school, and the other teachers would coo over the beautiful flower arrangements and the sweet note that came with it.

‘I love you. I’d wait for you as long as I’d live, Doie.’

He hesitantly handled the gifts, thinking it was all a prank and someone gave it to him as a joke. It’s been years since he has received anything of such sort from Jaehyun, and honestly he already has forgotten the feeling of being pampered (despite Jaehyun’s initial promises that he’d always pamper Doyoung).

Johnny caught his uncertain expression, and asked if he was okay.

Doyoung didn’t know what to say.

**_Jung Jaehyun_ ** _(06:53): Good morning, Doie :)_

**_Jung Jaehyun_ ** _(06:54): I’m outside of our apartment. Let me bring you to school?_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(06:57): My*_

**_Jung Jaehyun_ ** _(06:59): I’m sorry?_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(07:00): My apartment_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(07:01): Oh, nevermind. Sorry, it was a habit hahaha_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(07:02): I’m coming!_

**_Jung Jaehyun_ ** _(07:04): Hey, it’s fine. I understand :)_

**_Jung Jaehyun_ ** _(07:05): I’d bring you to McDonalds for breakfast_

**_Kim Doyoung_ ** _(07:06): hahahah You really know the way to my heart_

Usually, first kisses give you a rush of giddiness. The need to feel it all over again, and just bask in the warmth and love you and your partner share. His first kiss with Jaehyun back then made him so happy that he swore he could explode right there and then, and the look that Jaehyun gave him afterwards made his knees weak that all he wanted was to melt.

The first kiss he and Jaehyun shared after the mess gave him mixed emotions. He always loved the feeling of Jaehyun’s lips on his, but for some reason, tears just fell down his cheeks.

Doyoung’s heart clenched painfully when he saw Jaehyun’s heartbroken look as they separated, and could only frown as Jaehyun tried to comfort him by wiping his tears away with his thumb. He felt Jaehyun kiss him on the forehead, and hugged him tight. Things were just too different this time around, and it was tolling on them both.

He didn’t know when exactly did Jaehyun start moving his things back into his apartment. Jaehyun started bringing Doyoung back from work, and sometimes it was too late for Doyoung to be comfortable on letting Jaehyun drive back. The cup holder held two toothbrushes again, and two house slippers were placed beside his bed.

Most of the time, he woke up to the sight of Jaehyun cooking breakfast. (Doyoung was the one tasked to cook breakfast back then, but what was the point of cooking breakfast if Jaehyun didn’t even stay to eat?) Jaehyun would greet him with a forehead kiss, and would set the table for him. (Whenever Jaehyun would stay during mornings, they never really get the chance to eat because all the arguments took their time. Sometimes it was about groceries, then the mail, then the rent, then the car, then everything else.) Jaehyun would ask him about his agenda for the day, and Doyoung could only respond meekly.

Doyoung just couldn’t forget everything. He just couldn’t.

Doyoung had his heartbreaking realization a year after their reunion.

The night was young, however Doyoung couldn’t enjoy it. There was too much to handle in his apartment—too much papers to check, too much reports to make, and too much laundry on his bed. 

“What the fuck, Jaehyun?” He shouted from their shared room. “Weren’t you supposed to fix our clothes this week? Why is the pile I placed on our bed _still_ on the bed?”

Doyoung only heard the annoying taps from Jaehyun’s keyboard. He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes in frustration. He stomped out of the room to see Jaehyun still hunched over his laptop, not even moving a single inch.

“Jaehyun!” He tried to get his attention.

Jaehyun didn’t reply once more.

“Jaehyun, can you please cooperate?”

The situation was too familiar, and it was too late for Doyoung to realize it. Jaehyun snapped back at him, “Can’t you see I’m busy, Doyoung?”

The outburst made him reel back. He made Jaehyun angry again, and it was all his fault. Jaehyun’s going to leave him again, and it’d be all his fault just like before. “I’m sorry,” he squeaked out before running away, and locking the bedroom door. His breaths quickened and he couldn’t calm himself down. The anxiety attacked him from behind, and he couldn’t help but pick at his callouses once more.

‘Doie? Hey Doyoung, can you open the door?” Jaehyun repeatedly knocked on the door, but Doyoung couldn’t make himself stand.

“Doyoung! I’m not mad at you, okay? I’m sorry for reacting like that. Can we talk? Can you open the door? Please, Doyoung? Please, love?”

Doyoung buried his face into his knees, and tried to block Jaehyun’s voice.

‘I’m sorry, Jaehyun,’ he wanted to reply. ‘I love you,’ he wanted to say. ‘Please forgive me,’ he wanted to plead.

Everything was too good to be true.

Jaehyun wakes to the sight of Doyoung sitting on the side of the bed, a painfully familiar image to see.

“Doyoung?” He softly called out. “Good morning, love.”

Doyoung didn’t have the heart to reply, and just continued picking at his callouses. He felt Jaehyun’s arms embrace him from the back, and his lips kissing him on his shoulder.

‘No,’ Doyoung wanted to say. Jaehyun deserved far better than him. Someone who would love him as much as they loved themselves. That was the problem this time around; Doyoung didn’t love himself.

He hated how he acted last night. He hated how scared he was with Jaehyun leaving him again, and he just knew that if they continued, he’d have more similar episodes. He wouldn’t completely trust Jaehyun as much as he previously did. He was tired of the anxiety. He was tired of the confusion and pain.

“I’m tired,” Doyoung croaked out.

“What?”

“I’m tired of myself, Jaehyun,” Doyoung could feel Jaehyun freeze. He could feel the other’s breath hitch, and Doyoung could only hold Jaehyun’s hands as he said the following words.

“I know I gave you a second chance, and fuck, I really want to have that future with you still. I still love you more than anything, Jaehyun. Please remember that,” Doyoung pleaded. “But I can’t trust myself anymore, and I can’t trust you. Going through all that pain made me have huge trust issues that I just can’t brush off.”

“I know that you said you’d wait, but I don’t think I’ll be worth waiting for,” Doyoung softly stated.

“No, you’re worth it, Doyoung—”

“No, Jaehyun!” Doyoung exclaimed. “I’m really sorry, but I’m just too much of a mess at the moment that to be honest? I don’t know if I’d ever be okay. I don’t know if there would be a time when I wouldn’t doubt promises and heartfelt words that are said to me, especially you!”

Doyoung kissed Jaehyun’s cheek, “I love you, more than words could say. However, I need to learn how to love myself again, and at my current state, it would take months, maybe years! I don’t want to rob years from you, Jaehyun.”

“But I want to wait for you, Doyoung,” Jaehyun stubbornly said.

“But I don’t want you to wait for me, Jaehyun,” Doyoung replied.

Jaehyun couldn’t do anything; Doyoung already made his decision. Doyoung felt another kiss on his shoulder, and Jaehyun burying his face in his neck. “I love you, Doyoung. I love you, I love you, I love you. You’re the only one for me, love.”

“I love you too, Jaehyun,” Doyoung whispered. “But you need to let me go.”

(Doyoung left the week after; a scene that was all too familiar yet now the roles were reversed. Jaehyun spent every single minute left with Doyoung fruitfully, wanting to stall time as much as he could. Nothing prepared him for the day that Doyoung left his arms for good. For the day that he’d have his last kiss from him. For the day that he’d see him leave the same apartment he left more than a year ago. It was as if time reversed and pulled him into a parallel universe. A parallel universe without Doyoung.

Doyoung tried to hit a restart button on life. He moved in with Taeyong and applied to a nearby school to teach. It was difficult to adjust to a new life and culture, but it was what he needed—a time away from all the turbulence. A completely new environment to find himself again, and Doyoung would gladly take up the challenge.

Does he still love Jaehyun? They do say that first love never dies, and he would attest to that statement. Jaehyun sometimes plagued his dreams with his dimples and warmth, and sometimes plagued his nightmares with his spite and hostility. The recovery didn’t happen in a snap, but Doyoung was glad about his stable progress. He sings at a local bar every weekend, and even took up writing as a hobby. He was learning to love himself once more, and Doyoung would sometimes wonder if Jaehyun would be proud of how he developed.

Maybe Doyoung would get that answer, five years down the road.)


End file.
